Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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