Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
