Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
