Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
