worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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