i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
