Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
