she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Randomize
