Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
