Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
