At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
