Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Randomize
