And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Your mouth is God's brothel.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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