I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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