He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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