So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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