i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
