There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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