why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
