I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
