i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
