I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
