Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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