I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
