dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
