please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
