At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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