My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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