Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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