Pants 0. Shit 1.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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