ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
