I think I died a long time ago.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
