I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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