Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
