Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
