True but thats because hes a fetus.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
