I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
