would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
