I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
