Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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