The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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