i need an iv and a liver transplant
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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