The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
