At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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