Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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