where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
