who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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