mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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