if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Come on in and take your pants off
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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