Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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