Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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