You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
