I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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