Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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