My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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