you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
what day is it and did you see me today?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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