so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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