She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
