i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
