I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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