Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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