When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
