dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
